Alright, so today is America’s Sexuality Day / International Sex Worker Rights Day
First of all: Sex work should be decriminalized. Can’t people see that when you make police officers your enemy you prevent people who are being trafficked and abused from being able to go to the police? When CHILDREN get caught being involved with prostitution they put the CHILD in jail and charge them with sex work but almost always let the John off the hook, when in any other situation he’d have his ass in jail for statutory rape if not worse and the minor would be getting support and counseling, not being put in cuffs. It makes me sick to think about how much harm is done to people in the name of “protecting women.” Yes, protecting women is a noble cause, but charging women who are engaging in consensual sex work and putting that on their record so that they can’t ever get any other job DOESN’T HELP THEM! Alright… I’ll just rant about this later, on to the post about my sexuality:
So I keep hearing people say “Asexual means you don’t have a sexuality” well I’m here to tell you that I’m asexual and I have a sexuality.
My sexuality is an integral part of who I am and how I conceptualize myself. Here’s a few things that I consider to be part of my sexuality:
I think pale skin on women is beautiful and I find men most attractive when they’re neither too pale nor too tan. I am distracted by people with long, well kept hair and will play with a person’s hair if given the chance. I adore having my hair brushed, combed, braided, whatever, that’s definitely on my list of favorite things I enjoy doing with a partner.
I’m not at all opposed to kissing, though some of my exes were *really* bad at it (seriously there should be a class in high school or something… also, here’s a tip: don’t smoke a cigarette and then try to make out with someone- gross, seriously).
I’ve watched a lot of porn and read a lot of erotica in my day and I’ve even enjoyed some of it. Sex for the sake of sex doesn’t do a thing for me, it’s just not one of my turn ons. Sex isn’t a turn off for me, either, it’s just completely neutral – often yawn-worthy. That’s just part of my sexuality. I was definitely worried about it for many years. As a kid no one seemed interested in having sex and then one day I woke up and all my friends wanted to hop into bed with celebrities and the fact that I didn’t was not acceptable- so I never ever admitted to anyone again that I didn’t have an interest in having sex with anyone- until I came out to an ex and the next day to a room of 30 people. That was an awfully big weight off my chest! Holy shit it feels good to be able to use a word to identify yourself that doesn’t sound like a lie!
Just because I wasn’t interested in having sex with people didn’t stop me from fooling around with boys, and girls in an effort to prove to them and me that I was totally normal. When I think of all the risk I put myself in (hello practically no sex ed in school) just to do things I wasn’t interested in doing anyway just to prove to everyone else that I was “normal” …. ugh! Why did I have to be in my early 20s before I heard someone (David Jay) talk about a model of sexuality that I, at last in part, identified with?
Oh yeah, and I’m kinky- which for me means that I’m a submissive. I get satisfaction, excitement, joy, and sometimes even arousal out of making some people – typically my partners – happy, out of pleasing them in various ways- emotionally, psychologically and physically. If I trust the person enough I love to be tied up or otherwise restrained, having my hair pulled and certain types of impact play and on occasion orgasm-denial (evil bastards) and I can get a lot of satisfaction and an orgasm-like rush of endorphins even if there’s no actual orgasm involved (unless there’s orgasm denial involved which is all about building you to the point of feeling a physical need for one regardless of other concurrent feelings). It’s about giving up control, it’s about trust and intimacy, about pleasure and pleasing. And it’s part of my sexuality. Since I was so distressed about not being interested in sex I focused on what I did like doing- including various aspects of BDSM. I threw myself into it, fixated on it! I read books and short stories about it, I wrote stories about it, I joined clubs where people talked about it… I accidentally became the president of a club where people talked about it, I joined the adult BDSM scene and all the organizations I could as soon as I was old enough- including being on the board for a major national event. As much as I really do enjoy this part of my sexuality I think I may have been overcompensating a little bit by focusing on it so much that I could ignore the part of me that I didn’t understand and that made me feel broken and insecure.
Now that I can articulate how I feel and what more confidently I want in a way that’s more honest, to both myself and others, I’ve found that I don’t have the same need to focus on and cling desperately too the BDSM component of myself, it’s much more balanced now, which is better.
In my early and mid teens you’d have thought I was a boy for all the time I spent getting off- before school, after school, middle of the night, middle of the day on weekends. Thank God I had my own room for most of my teenage years! The story of the first time I tried masturbating and other activities is pretty interesting, but I’ll save that for another post. (For anyone else who also enjoys masturbating: the NJoy Pure Wand and Wahl 7 are the 2 best material things I’ve ever purchased for myself) Speaking of masturbating I’ve found that I don’t always have to get to the mind-shattering orgasm level to get a rush of endorphins and feel all good and happy and relaxed and sleepy. I heard a professor say that women who stop after reaching a plateau instead of going on to full orgasm are repressed. I suppose if you *can’t* reach an orgasm maybe there’s a problem but the nice thing about the plateau is that there’s a leveling off of the compulsion to keep going. For me it has always been a tranquil phase that I am often quite content to mellow in. Can I seriously be the only person who does that? I think not, but with all the people out there saying that you must be repressed if you don’t go for the full-out orgasm every time there probably aren’t a lot of people eager to admit it (this is another area where sexologists should probably be listening to women talk about how they experience their sexual pleasure and orgasms rather than telling women that they’re broken if they don’t fit the standard model because maybe the standard model isn’t as “standard” as it seems).
I also have a medical condition which manifests itself in a few ways that has made me question my gender expression and has effected the way I feel about myself and my sexuality. It wouldn’t be honest not to admit that from the time it started to manifest it took me about 8 years to get to a point where I could say that I liked my body and that yes, I’m definitely a girl, and no I’m not any less of a woman just because I have a few quirks. That definitely effects my self image and my sexuality, but it’s part of who I am and if I didn’t accept it and I felt ashamed or apologetic about it then no one else was going to accept it. It’s amazing how much it helps to stop treating yourself like a freak and stop assuming that others will, too. Be nice to yourself, accept yourself, love yourself and see how much better you feel.
I wish I had been told as a teen that my sexuality was acceptable, that it would go through shifts and phases and trials and that I would learn new things about it and that the only thing that was important was to be aware of what I was feeling and to be honest with myself about what I wanted and didn’t want and whatever that was, that was acceptable, too (provided no one was being hurt). So, let me tell you right now that your sexuality, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone being hurt, is acceptable just the way it is and if it changes or if you discover some new facet of it, it’s still acceptable. If you want to make changes to your sexuality you can see a professional about making changes, about being less disgusted by something, about being able to enjoy something more, but you should recognize that that’s about making changes to your sexuality, not “fixing” your sexuality. Don’t waste time and energy stressing about your sexuality being “broken”- it isn’t broken, you aren’t broken. You’re unique, you are the result of a unique combination of experiences and feelings and hormones and no one can tell you what your sexuality is or what it is supposed to be like.